Monday, January 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Claw
Remember in Toy Story when the green aliens are inside the "space ship" at Pizza Planet and the claw reaches down to take the ever so loyal Woody and Buzz Lightyear?
Sometimes, when need, be I play a scenario in my head that I refer to as the "Claw Effect"
In everyday situations when dealing with rude people I picture myself operating a large claw. I direct the claw (personally) to this disturbance of peace, pick them up and move them out of the building. In my mind everyone cheers and gives me high fives.
They congratulate me not only because I own a pocket sized claw that expands to a gigantor size, but because I taught that rude-ie two shoes a lesson.
Don't be snooty or the CLAW GONNA TAKE YOU AWAY.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Johnson City/ Funky Town
I go to school in Johnson City aka Johnson Shitty. It is referred to as Johnson shitty by unimaginative loony toons. No matter where you are fun is just around the river bend people.
Like the book "Crafts for Poor People" by Amy Sedaris. I have come up with "Fun for poor people"
1. Play fugitive in the mall until a mall cop (a mop) tells you to leave the premises.
2. Stage a fake breakup in a public arena. (Have code names such as Susan and Bubba) choose restaurants along the lines of Logan's Roadhouse and Buffalo Wild Wings. The more personal the breakup the better.
3. Go napoleon dynamite with a car, a jump rope, and roller blades. 10 points for making it over a speed bump, 15 for making through a busy intersection, and 20 for causing a wreck due to yo stylin ensemble.
4. Purchase a bird, name it Mordecai, train it to be your baby.
5. Green Jumping Bean: have one person dress up in a completely green outfit. Go to a college campus, high school, or food court of your choice. Chase the green bean screaming at the top of your lungs. It will cause a scene.
6. Convince someone that they were accepted to Hogwarts. Pick someone such as a neighbor that you do not know very well. Send them letters and pull out all the stops: caligraphy pens, burned edges, wax seals. Train Mordecai to deliver an owl to their doorstep. Dress up as Hagred scare the shit out of them.
7. Play Chicken. Simply hold hands with a comrade. Whoever drops the hand first is a coward.
8. House illegal Immigrants.
Whatever you do and wherever you are you like in Funky Town, not Johnson Shitty.
Peace Out Home Skillets.
Like the book "Crafts for Poor People" by Amy Sedaris. I have come up with "Fun for poor people"
1. Play fugitive in the mall until a mall cop (a mop) tells you to leave the premises.
2. Stage a fake breakup in a public arena. (Have code names such as Susan and Bubba) choose restaurants along the lines of Logan's Roadhouse and Buffalo Wild Wings. The more personal the breakup the better.
3. Go napoleon dynamite with a car, a jump rope, and roller blades. 10 points for making it over a speed bump, 15 for making through a busy intersection, and 20 for causing a wreck due to yo stylin ensemble.
4. Purchase a bird, name it Mordecai, train it to be your baby.
5. Green Jumping Bean: have one person dress up in a completely green outfit. Go to a college campus, high school, or food court of your choice. Chase the green bean screaming at the top of your lungs. It will cause a scene.
6. Convince someone that they were accepted to Hogwarts. Pick someone such as a neighbor that you do not know very well. Send them letters and pull out all the stops: caligraphy pens, burned edges, wax seals. Train Mordecai to deliver an owl to their doorstep. Dress up as Hagred scare the shit out of them.
7. Play Chicken. Simply hold hands with a comrade. Whoever drops the hand first is a coward.
8. House illegal Immigrants.
Whatever you do and wherever you are you like in Funky Town, not Johnson Shitty.
Peace Out Home Skillets.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
First Misunderstanding of the Year.
At precisely 12:00 a.m. on January 1, 2011 my first chosen words were "2012 bitches.....The Mayans Were WRONG."
It is not 2012, it is 2011. We still have a year to determine whether or not the Mayans are actually wrong.
A blog was my new years resolution. Although I have made fun of overly sensitive, emotion filled blogs in the past I think I have a solution to an un-sappy blog. I will write about my misunderstandings, interactions with males wearing trench coats, and my occasional fml embarrassment moments.
So hears a toast to the new year, lets document our failures together.
It is not 2012, it is 2011. We still have a year to determine whether or not the Mayans are actually wrong.
A blog was my new years resolution. Although I have made fun of overly sensitive, emotion filled blogs in the past I think I have a solution to an un-sappy blog. I will write about my misunderstandings, interactions with males wearing trench coats, and my occasional fml embarrassment moments.
So hears a toast to the new year, lets document our failures together.
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