lil jon and the east side ellen da fellon

To really get my rap career going I have decided to interview the rapper Lil Jon Williams. Famous for his musical appearances at the Big Chill Chattanooga and Club Fathom he has written an array of songs including "Take you on a date B*tch" and his biggest hit "Come on and get it Gurl."

1.What inspired your new hit single "Take you on a date B*tch" :

Well just so you know, ellen most people think that I am calling a girl a Bitch, but I am not, notice the star where the i should be. That means that the rest of the word before the tch could be anything. It could say "Take you on a date Butch or Butterfly Itch."

2.If you had a tattoo what would it be:

I would get a tattoo of the state of tennessee with a star of David in the middle because I am a Tennessean and I am a Jew. Just honoring the heritage B*tch.

3. What is your dream career:

In order for my dream career to begin Norah Jones would have to come up with a concept album involving a laser show, and I would want to be an actor/ producer for the show B*tch.

4. If you could go on a date with one actor/ actress in Hollywood who would it be:

The old B*tch from James Bond.


I would like to thank Lil Jon Williams for his time.

Peace out.

Am I Truman?

I watched the movie The Truman show in 8th grade and ever since then I have has a severe paranoia that I am Truman and I was shown that movie only because they never wanted me to expect that I live in a fake world and am being filmed constantly. It is reverse psychology, you can't trick me. I have many reasons why I suspect that I am Truman:

1. This past weekend I saw a man riding his bicycle with two husky dogs attached to the front of it. It was Napoleon Dynamite meets Balto. He rode by my house twice. Fail on his part. He is being payed to constantly do that so I don't suspect anything.

2. When I see my friends around town they pretend they don't know me. This is because they don't want to get too close because they know they will have to tell me i'm being filmed constantly. (it is not because I wear all denim outfits and speak in accents.)

3. There are many dogs that live around my house. I suspect they are guard dogs, not street dogs.

4. When I give myself motivational speeches in the morning I feel like someone is listening. (the whole world.)

I am not fooled. I know. I am watching you.

My New Rap Career

I have decided to forget my former dreams of becoming a nurse to become a world re-nound Rap-Star. Jaoquine Pheonix inspired me to fulfill my fake dreams and then make a documentary about it. My new rappa name is Post-it Note because it symbolizes postin a beat/the rubber glue back to you philosophy. My new hit single, McMayonaiz featuring Notorious BEX hit the web last week and has become a national sensation drawing in over 17 views. My first gig is coming up at the Johnson City Amigo's open mic night. Amigos open mic night has been the start of many prestigious musical careers, these including The Nickelback, P!nk, Owl City, and Young JEEzy. Check out my hit single on the youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhcDiCYmQK0

America's Next Top Survivor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEUQoTUrKs0

The Claw

Remember in Toy Story when the green aliens are inside the "space ship" at Pizza Planet and the claw reaches down to take the ever so loyal Woody and Buzz Lightyear?

Sometimes, when need, be I play a scenario in my head that I refer to as the "Claw Effect"

In everyday situations when dealing with rude people I picture myself operating a large claw. I direct the claw (personally) to this disturbance of peace, pick them up and move them out of the building. In my mind everyone cheers and gives me high fives.

They congratulate me not only because I own a pocket sized claw that expands to a gigantor size, but because I taught that rude-ie two shoes a lesson.

Don't be snooty or the CLAW GONNA TAKE YOU AWAY.

Johnson City/ Funky Town

I go to school in Johnson City aka Johnson Shitty. It is referred to as Johnson shitty by unimaginative loony toons. No matter where you are fun is just around the river bend people.

Like the book "Crafts for Poor People" by Amy Sedaris. I have come up with "Fun for poor people"

1. Play fugitive in the mall until a mall cop (a mop) tells you to leave the premises.

2. Stage a fake breakup in a public arena. (Have code names such as Susan and Bubba) choose restaurants along the lines of Logan's Roadhouse and Buffalo Wild Wings. The more personal the breakup the better.

3. Go napoleon dynamite with a car, a jump rope, and roller blades. 10 points for making it over a speed bump, 15 for making through a busy intersection, and 20 for causing a wreck due to yo stylin ensemble.

4. Purchase a bird, name it Mordecai, train it to be your baby.

5. Green Jumping Bean: have one person dress up in a completely green outfit. Go to a college campus, high school, or food court of your choice. Chase the green bean screaming at the top of your lungs. It will cause a scene.

6. Convince someone that they were accepted to Hogwarts. Pick someone such as a neighbor that you do not know very well. Send them letters and pull out all the stops: caligraphy pens, burned edges, wax seals. Train Mordecai to deliver an owl to their doorstep. Dress up as Hagred scare the shit out of them.

7. Play Chicken. Simply hold hands with a comrade. Whoever drops the hand first is a coward.

8. House illegal Immigrants.

Whatever you do and wherever you are you like in Funky Town, not Johnson Shitty.

Peace Out Home Skillets.

First Misunderstanding of the Year.

At precisely 12:00 a.m. on January 1, 2011 my first chosen words were "2012 bitches.....The Mayans Were WRONG."

It is not 2012, it is 2011. We still have a year to determine whether or not the Mayans are actually wrong.

A blog was my new years resolution. Although I have made fun of overly sensitive, emotion filled blogs in the past I think I have a solution to an un-sappy blog. I will write about my misunderstandings, interactions with males wearing trench coats, and my occasional fml embarrassment moments.

So hears a toast to the new year, lets document our failures together.